On children who are living in voilence

Research tells us children, including very young babies, are affected by violence. Many respond with anger, aggression, defiant acting-out behaviours or by being frightened and fearful. Others freeze and feel more or less paralysed by what’s happening. in all cases their bodies react the same; the internal alarm systems are activated.

The internal alarm is raised by the sudden release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenalin. When stress hormones flood the body the organism goes into a state of ‘fight or “flight’. Children are dependent on the adults around them and often can’t remove themselves from the stressful situation but must endure the stressful experience. Repeated exposure to this’ type of stress in childhood can have long lasting effects.

Regular flooding of the system by stress-hormones influences the way different parts of the brain function. The excess of stress hormones inhibits the development of the part of the brain called the orbital frontal cortex - our emotional manager. When this happens children may have difficulty with self-control and anger management. They also feel limited compassion and tolerance for other people. These problems may last through to adulthood.

Children who are continuously on the alert don’t get a lot of time to feel relaxed and happy. The part of the brain that releases the feel-good hormones, such as endorphins, therefore doesn’t get a lot of practice – practice makes perfect - no practice inhibits! Children who don’t feel happy are more vulnerable to drug use (which make us feel artificially good). Addiction often follows.

"When Daddy hurts Mummy I shake inside and I feel so sick that I think I'm going to throw up." 7 year old girl

A child’s brain is naturally programmed to look to significant adults for protection and safety. When these adults are the cause of fear, harm and distress this confuses the brain! In combination with the flooding of stress hormones, these confusing experiences inhibit the brain from forming healthy emotional and cognitive neural patterns.

The result is that children can have difficulty behaving appropriately, concentrating, focussing, and taking in new information. This can effect their performance at school and may get them into trouble socially. In addition regular flooding with stress hormones decreases the optimal functioning of the immune system. This increases vulnerability to illness.

Violence can also effect children’s sense of who they are. Children are ego-centric - they relate everything that happens around them to themselves. When they grow up in a violent situation they are likely to think that they may be the cause of it - that somehow they are bad, naughty, not lovable enough, not worthwhile, and if they were different the violence would not have happened.

"We can hear every word... we just pretend to watch TV." 12 year old boy

In summary, violence can have long term effects on children; on their physical and emotional health arid on the way they conduct their lives, including a repeat of the abuse pattern. Parents can make an important contribution to breaking the cycle of violence. It requires them to protect their children from to all forms of violence.

On women or men who are subjected to violence and abuse

"Our three children were tiny, I had no family, no skills and no money. Our friends all thought the world of him. He was a different person around them. I was just his dumb wife." ... Tracey, Thames

"I loved him still do really. He put me in hospital twice but I just melted when I saw him crying. I thought hitting me showed he cared. I believed him when he said he would change.”... Martha. Auckland

“I always took the blame. I believed his violence was because of something I did or didn’t do. And he was wonderful when he wasn’t violent, a lovely husband and father. One night he pulled me out of bed and punched me all over. Then he got his gun and threatened me. I realised then that my life was at stake. It took 20 years."...  Elsie, Wangarei

‘He turned everyone against me. I had no friends, no social life, no support. He got our boys to keep track of my movements and tell him what I’d been doing and who I’d talked to. I knew he’d never let me go.”... Sina, Auckland

“He left his first wife and family for me. His own family don’t speak to us. I can’t leave him alone. And he won’t let me have the children, he’ll take them off me.”... Canto, Christchurch

“For years he had me believing it was my fault. He made me think I was stupid and ugly and I deserved what I got. I was scared I could never manage without him and no-one would ever want me or give me a jobs."... Prue, Wellington

“He’s said many tines that he’ll kill me and I know be means it.”... AIison, West Coast

"He said he’ll kill us all. I can’t take the risk. I know be could do it."... Rangi, Timaru

“When I did leave he phoned all the time and called round whenever he felt like it. He came and went in my flat as it was his own. He made sure he knew where I was all the time. And he kept on threatening and manipulating me. I was a nervous wreck.”... Shona, Palmerston North

Cathy's story

Gary and I were together for eleven years. He started calling me names, putting me down and hitting me not long after we were married. I was taught that you stay in a relationship no matter what, so I was determined to make it work.

I left him after the first year because I couldn't stand the violence and his constant monitoring of everything I did. I went to live with my family in Wellington. After a short time he came down there and we started to work on the problems. Things seemed better and I moved in with him again. He didn't hit me at all during that year but when we'd argue he'd throw stuff close to me. He'd throw an ashtray a few centimetres from my head, and then he'd say, "Don't make a big deal out of it, I didn't hit you". At the time I thought, well that's true, he didn't hit me.

We moved back to Auckland and the hitting started again. After he hit me, he would say that if I just hadn't done this or said that, he wouldn't have hit me. So I stopped doing the things that apparently were setting him off. He told me not to yell, so I stopped yelling. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I got a job, so I got a job. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I didn't drink, so I stopped drinking. But the violence didn't stop. He always had a reason. I kept trying to change my life so I wouldn't get hit.

I got a protection order - Gary was really pissed off and moved to Tauranga where his brother was living. He quickly moved in with a much younger woman. I was so glad to have some distance between us again. I have almost no contact with him today except the few times when he visits the children. I think he could have changed if he had done a programme or been confronted with his behaviour early on by someone he'd listen to. We didn't really know what to do or where to go. We went to counselling once but the counsellor couldn't or didn't want to deal with the abuse that was going on.

I know that Gary knew what he was doing wasn't right. Once he introduced me to Cheryl, a woman friend of his who was being hit by her boyfriend. He was outraged and wanted to find ways of helping her. But he couldn't make the connection between what he was doing to me and what was happening to Cheryl. That's why I think if someone had got to him he might have been forced to look at his own behaviour...

Healing for me is a long process. I thought when I left Gary everything would be OK, but it wasn't. It wasn't until I started going to women's groups and sorting through everything that had happened that I started to heal. I never saw myself as a battered woman. But I am gaining self-confidence. It's strange that after all that happened, I still have feelings for Gary. I mean we spent eleven years together, and had children together. Yet I don't think I could ever marry again. My trust level with men is pretty low and I'm not sure I would want to take the chance of another relationship.

Men talk about their violence

Jim: "At first I smashed things, then I started pushing and hitting her. When she was afraid, I always got my way. I was in control. When I finally stopped to think about what I was doing, I felt bad. I had hurt everyone around me, my kids, my wife, my friends. I was scared she'd leave me, so I went to the programme because I thought maybe she'd stay with me if I go to it.

At first I had no interest in the programme really. Then I started to listen and think about all the stuff they were saying, and it really did apply to me. Even though I've still got a long way to go to be really non-violent, I've stopped blaming her for everything, and I'm a better listener. I don't know if our relationship will last though. She really doesn't trust me because of what I've done. Either way, I'm glad I joined the programme now."

Geoff: "When I was married my priority wasn't my wife Anne or my child; it was where could I score my next deal. It was more what I wanted, rather than thinking about other people. I was getting out of it, going out with friends drinking, or both at the same time.

I used to bottle up what was going on for me, and if something was said or done I disagreed with, I wouldn't talk to Anne, sometimes for three days. We'd go out and visit the family or whatever, and I might say a couple of words to her and people would pick up the vibes that we weren't talking. We'd come home and I wouldn't talk, until it got to the stage where she'd break down and couldn't handle it any longer. I'd won that session.

That made me feel a bit more powerful. We were together for seven years and the silent treatment happened often. Every time she'd break down first and apologise for some minor thing. By the end I had usually forgotten what had started it off, but once I began I was pretty stubborn, and I'd stay in there, silent. I was trying to make her break down.

She got so frustrated and started attacking me, and I slapped her. I hit her on the face and she fell onto the bed. She started crying quietly. To me that was the sign everything was right again. She'd break down in tears because she couldn't handle it any longer, and I'd know I'd won that session even if I'd forgotten what it was about. I was gaining more control over her.

My drinking and drugging was getting out of hand, but I didn't realise it then. Our son Thomas was about 18 months old then. There were two other times when I hit Anne. We had just done the shopping and I dropped the bag or something and Anne laughed. I swung this bag of bread and hit her in the head with it - and she laughed again. I was so ashamed about what I'd done and this started off periods of silence as well, especially when she went around telling people. I was embarrassed about it. I always seem to take it out on the people who care about me the most.

In sex I got what I wanted for myself - there was no thought about satisfying her, as long as I had a climax that was it. Sex was about getting what I wanted. I knew we had problems, but I was sexually satisfied. I wasn't taking any notice of what she wanted. I didn't see it as my hang-up - it was hers.

I used to call her a stupid bitch in front of other people, particularly when I was drinking. When I drank I used to become the party clown and do stupid things. I was unfaithful as well. Any time Anne wasn't there, I'd try and latch onto some other woman who would have sex with me, even a couple of times when Anne was there. Anne would ask where I'd been I'd say 'Oh fuck off. What are you on about you silly bitch?' And I wouldn't talk to her. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I don't know how she stuck it out for all those years."

After losing both his partner and son, Geoff hit rock bottom. He has now completed both an Alcohol and Drug treatment and a Men's Stopping Violence Programme.

"I couldn't see any way of lifting myself out. I had no one to talk to. I didn't believe people were interested in my stuff - that was my low self-esteem. In the stopping violence programme, it's amazing to see physically strong and staunch men coming along and talking about their emotions and their behaviours towards their partners.
Now my relationship with my ex-wife and son is the best it's ever been. We've gone our different ways though and she has another partner. He's been around for a couple of years now, and the reaction Thomas has to him shows me he's a wonderful guy. For my son I can't ask for anything more. I see him whenever I can, and I talk to him on the phone every week. When Anne and I first separated, I'd say 'I want to see Thomas' but really I meant 'I want to see you'. There's no games like that going on now.

I have a new relationship, but I'm still learning and we don't live together. These days, because I understand myself a bit more, it's like a courting period. My expectations are not like they used to be. I have more of a trust of the other person."

Vince: "I have always been a nice guy, and no, I have never hit women. I don't need to. I have lots of other ways of being just as controlling, and keeping other people liking me at the same time. Growing up I hardly ever got into physical fights, but I could intimidate people by mind games; devious reasoning, controlling behaviour through moods, withdrawal of affection, and the silent treatment - that was one of the most effective tools. I also isolated my partner from the people I didn't like- as if I had the right to tell her who her friends should be.

When I went to counselling after our relationship broke up, I realised I wasn't that nice. I also realised I was either going to stay that way, or I had to choose and do something different. So I became involved in men's stopping violence programmes. I found that very valuable - painful but valuable. It's my life, I've got to acknowledge all the terrible things I have done and let them go and get on with trying to do things more in line with how I now want to be."

Jason: "When I had a Protection Order taken out on me, I was mad as hell that I had to come to a programme. But then I started to listen and it made sense. Although it was hard, I started using what I learnt. Now I'm slowly pulling my life back together. I think all men could get heaps from programmes like these."

Rawiri: "Men in our society have lost their way. We think we have to be the boss to be a real man. It's a bunch of crap and it's destroying our families. For me now, the only way forward is to have an equal relationship with women. There's nothing to be scared of in that, yet most men think it's weakness if they don't get their own way all the time."

The stories about Geoff and Vince are drawn from "Out of Control - Stories of men who are leaving violence and partner abuse behind" - Compiled by Colin Iles, published by Pacific Education Resources Trust, Wellington, Aotearoa/NZ 1996. Quoted with the author's permission.