The Signs
Understanding Violence
Violence is not just physical. It
includes threats, intimidation, put-downs, humiliation,
sexual abuse, twisting of words or playing mind games.
Other abusive behaviour could include damaging
property, allowing children to see or hear any domestic
violence, controlling someone’s contact with friends as a
way of having power over him or her.
Violence is frequently blamed on poverty,
upbringing, anger, alcohol, drugs, lack of communication,
jealousy, mental illness, stress, illness, lack of
education.
But many people experience these without
using violence.
Most people who use violence at home are
able to be calm, patient people outside of home.
Many victims of domestic violence talk
about how the person abusing them can switch to their nice
side if visitors suddenly arrive.
Violence is a
choice
In the 1980s various women’s
support groups at the Duluth Violence Intervention Project
developed a model called the Power and Control Wheel. This
was made up from stories that women were telling over and
over again of the abuse that was going on in their homes
Click here to view the *Power and Control Wheel diagram'
Is My Relationship Abusive?
Does your partner or did your partner...
-
Criticise you, call you
names or belittle the things you do?
-
Demand increasing amounts
of your time, energy, attention or affection?
-
Insist on having his way
on most issues?
-
Expect you to be with him
constantly, and resent any time you spend pursuing your
own interests or seeing other people?
-
Keep control over the
money and give you an inadequate allowance?
-
Treat you with hostile
silence and cold contempt for long periods?
-
Use punishing behaviour
to manipulate you into complying with his demands?
-
Harass you or use stand
over tactics to get his own way?
-
Fly into sudden,
irrational tempers for little or no reason, then blame
these outbursts on you?
-
Frighten you by smashing
possessions, or punching/kicking holes into walls?
-
Threaten to harm you or
the people you love?
-
Threaten to commit
suicide to hurt you?
-
Slap, shove, shake, pull
your hair, kick, punch or spit at you?
-
Show excessive jealousy
and accuse you unjustly of flirting or having affairs?
- Coerce you into having
sex when you don’t want to, or participating in sexual
practices that you don’t feel comfortable with
- Withhold having sex with
you to humiliate you?
-
Constantly refuse to take
responsibility for his destructive behaviour?
-
Deny events happened as
they did, or turn them around so that he can blame you
for them?
-
Withhold emotional
support, even when you have a major crisis to deal with
like a death in the family?
-
Make jokes at your
expense or deliberately humiliate you in front of
others?
-
Pretend to be kind and
caring toward you in front of others but treat you badly
when you are alone together?
-
Undermine your
relationship with your children?
- Deprive you of sleep by
arguing late into the night?
- Improve his behaviour if
he thinks he may lose you but resume his abuse when he
knows the danger is past?
If you have answered "yes" to
some of these questions you may be feeling shocked, angry or
frightened about what this means for you.
You may also feel a sense of
relief.
(Extract from "Invisible
Wounds" by Kay Douglas).
Am I safe?
If
you are living in fear, having to watch your back, check
every word you say, report on everything you do, you are not
safe.
Safety is
- physical
- emotional
- sexual
- psychological
- financial
- spiritual
- social
In a safe
environment your physical safety is assured
In a safe
relationship you are respected and valued.
In a safe
relationship you are free to say no to sex without having
this used against you
In a safe
relationship your opinions and thoughts are respected
In a safe
relationship you have equal access to and control over
financial matters
In a safe
environment your spiritual beliefs are respected
In a safe
relationship you choose your friends and meet with them
freely. |
